Are You There God? It's Me, Lisa . . . .

I feel like writing in light blue today . . .

Okay, so I'm wondering where God is in all this. I used to pray all the time. For a year I prayed that my husband would come back to me - cause I was told by many Christians that God hates divorce. What a crock of shit.

So my life is uncertain right now. I don't know what I'll be doing next year for work, I don't know where I'll be living. Do I make the things that I want to happen happen, or do I sit back and let "God" control my life? I don't know what to believe anymore. I have free will. I have a choice. But does God offer those choices or are they just there?

And what about all those unanswered prayers for healing, health, love, broken marriages, sick children, etc.? Are we supposed to just accept "God's will" and not question? I don't believe in Blind Faith. I was given a brain and ambition and drive and energy for a reason.

So who do I trust? Myself? I've made so many bad decisions in my life. Decisions based upon emotion, not logic or reasoning. God? I'm kinda pissed off at the idea of God right now. If there is a loving God who knows my heart . . . there are just too many why's to write.

The future can be exciting and scary. I feel a bit of both. I just don't know if that part of God that's in me is what I rely on or the outside entity of a God on a throne with a big stick.

I guess time will tell . . . .